Wednesday, September 09, 2009

and my old friend(s)

Behind the jam space I kissed summer goodbye. It was not easy. I was convinced that I was leaving behind the only things that made perfect sense to me even when nothing made sense: my friends (aka the family) and the scene that keeps us all ticking.
There was a lot of silence that night as we sat on wooden flats downtown by the train tracks. The silence was of the contemplative type. A settling, mutual understanding that summer was coming to an end and we’d all have to stop relying on alcohol and irony and actually face reality.
The brisk 2am air dried many tears as we held each other under stars clouded by stifling smoke.

Nature has to burn to make room for rebirth.
I was convinced that by moving away I was burning my life in Kamloops to accommodate rebirth in my next stage of growth in Victoria.
This is where I was dead wrong. I don’t have to burn my past in order to embrace my future.
Tonight I realized I carry my past with me and incorporate it into my future.
Four words: We Are the City.
“My old friend. Tell me where have you been? Have I wasted away? Did you wait till the end? ...All the stars are still here. All my tears turn to time.”
It started as six of us at the Pavillion Theatre listening to that song. A solid two years ago we swayed with our arms around each other. We were strung together by sound, and that string is still holding strong.
Little did we know how we would end up. And little still do we know what the future holds for us...
But somehow that band brought us all closer together.
Tonight was my first night seeing WatC without my “besties” (as Jolene would say). I thought it was going to be way harder than it was; but I realized as soon as they started playing, I felt each and every single one of the gang with me. Just like how we’ve seen tons of bands together.
Somehow that band takes me home to them.

There were times my eyes were stinging.
(Such as during “there are very tiny beasts in the ground” oh, the many times we got that chorus stuck in our heads!)
However, these were only almost tears. Very different from the soft sobs during poison oak in the car on that night, the final night of summer. This time I experienced a liberating, everything-is-going-to-be-alright flourishing within. A ball of emotion kept creeping into my throat and I constantly swallowed it back down because things are how they are supposed to be!
During their set, everything was clear and blurry at the same time. There was no space or time.
“Maybe there’s a weight in the words ‘I MISS YOU’ do they repress you? That’s the way love moves.”
Maybe that is the way love does move. Once you are removed from something/one that you think you’ll always have, everything because clearer and more intense. Time apart gives me an opportunity for re-evaluation and self-examination.
It’s human nature to want what is not accessible to us. It just sucks that sometimes we achieve clarity when it’s too late...or is it ever too late?
In a state of missing someone or a particular feeling, it makes me value the wondrous moments I do experience. It’s strange how I can miss so much, yet absolutely love where I am. I'm intoxicated by the sounds, the smells, the vibe, the people and essentially everything about Victoria. Everything is inspiration and everything breathes life into me! But...

“I miss my house I miss my home I miss my grade six love.”
Up until tonight I was perfectly convinced that I was residing in two completely different realms. My Kamloops life was so different from my Victoria life. But that’s entirely false. As the important people from both lives become well-acquainted the line begins to blur. Tonight I felt it disappear. I am home.
With a Kamloops friend on my right side, and a future life-long UVic friend to my left, I felt everything become whole. After first year, I was convinced that both sides could never mesh. However, as I became more self-aware this summer, I came to understand that there were never two sides, just two parts of the same thing.

I became whole.
Even when I feel like parts of me are missing, they aren’t entirely...I just interact with them in a different way.
(Such as when home calls and I hear them playing the same CD in the background that I was currently listening too. Yes, that CD was WatC what a strange little coincidence...)

We are still connected, only physical space separates us.
We may not be at the same shows but we’ll be seeing the same bands. And I’ll be thinking of you guys, and I hope you think of me.
A wise roommate told me about a tattoo that reads: we carry with us everything we need. It’s a truism that I now aim to live by. No matter where the wind carries me, I will always carry with me those I love and whom have impacted my life.
Recently, a young friend commented on how when I return we have to make the best out of our time together. I told him that I live like that all the time. We have to live life like that because when everything else washes away, we’re only left with moments.

Let no Time, be Wasted, My Old Friend.

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